“you gotta rub me the right way…” -christina aguilera

April 17, 2009

ok… so i had a deep tissue massage this morning. i’ve only ever had one other massage in my life and it was a pretty pansy one paid for with a gift certificate. but my neck and back have been in a complete and utter mess for a while now. this week, when i felt a knot in my right shoulder blade that kept exploding out the front of me, i booked a massage. out of desperation. i mean, it hurt so badly when i laughed. and i like to laugh. when you toy with my ability to laugh, i get down to business. here is my experience in bullet form. take note, if you’re not a massage-goer and are thinking of getting one…

– there are obvious things i won’t discuss here due to what i like to refer to as “mixed company”. suffice it to say, it was intimate. but not invasive. yeah. intimate but not invasive. 

– there’s a lot of oil involved. do not wash and fix your hair before you go. you will spend the entire 50 minutes screaming in your head “don’t get my hair all oily!!!” and not being able to do a darn thing about it. you will feel gross at the end. a shower is highly recommended before meeting anyone for the day.

– she started out by informing me that the muscles on the right side of my back are significantly larger and more used than the left. awesome. now i feel like a freak. 

– it hurts so good. sometimes love don’t feel like it should.

– apparently i have LOTS of scar tissue in my right shoulder. what from? who knows. maybe i joust in my sleep. 

– one of my favorite moments was when she broke the silence with “you have the hamstrings of a soccer player.” hmm. cheerleading? “oh yeah, that’s gotta be it. you guys worked hard.” it’s true, we did. it’s just good to know i can officially say i have the hamstrings of a soccer player. 

– i have a typical athletic build. nice. i call it fat. good to know something good is under there somewhere. 

– she told me i can make myself taller. this is great news! 

– i am sore. ouch.

– so the right side of my back is stronger and bigger? well, the left side of my abs are larger and stronger. i have no idea what i’ve been doing. 

bottom line. it was a good thing. and something i think i’m going to do once a month to fix some of these issues. she made a lot of funny sounds. i felt a little guilty at times for letting things get so bad. but overall a great experience. she kept asking if i had had different serious injuries. i kinda wished i could think of one to tell her. i mean, i told her about the only one i remembered. but no shoulder out of socket, and no massive leg injuries. that i know of. again, the jousting thing might be true.


One comment

  1. oh dee dee. You are one funny lady. I miss you. I’d like to see you soon! I once got a cheapo massage by a guy named Sfen. No joke. It was wrong. No violating wrong, but definitely wrong. I also just got back from a facial (MOm’s Day gift) and have little bright red spots all over my face…but I loved it. And finally, can I PLEASE recommend my chiropractor. She as saved me. Maximum Wellness…Dr. Laura Scheiner. Brilliant.

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