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“the Lord has promised good to us…” -john newton

June 4, 2008

(THIS ONE IS LONG, I KNOW. BUT READ IT PLEASE!!! IT WILL BLOW YOU AWAY!!!!!)

i’ve been living in a cloud of discouragement lately. today broke me. i had great conversation with my friend tatum at work towards the ending of the day. we got to finish out the day with two kids who are near and dear to our hearts, luke franklin and elijah stevens. it was a slower day at work, but it seemed that there was much to talk about. so we did. i had gotten great requests from some of my favorite people to hang out, but i just didn’t really want to do anything at all. so tatum and i parted ways and i headed for marta to go home.

but i didn’t get very far. i made it half a block with my head down to the ground. there’s a park not far from buckhead church. and i stopped, found a close bench, and plopped down. i thought about sitting there forever. i cried. and i had a talk with God. i’ve tried to keep from questioning for as long as i could. but today, i couldn’t even walk a block, i was so heavy hearted. (this is me being ugly honest…) i sat and cried. i sat for over an hour. and the words started pouring out of me, much like the tears. “have You forgotten me? given up on me? are You mad at me? i need a miracle. i need You to show me something beautiful… some sign that You’re still even looking my way.” and with that i texted a good friend to pray for me and i started writing in my journal. very honest words. the kind you hesitate to even write in your journal for fear of who might see it. and as i wrote i thought about job. a man who went through great trials and didn’t question God for the longest time… through extreme circumstances. but there was one day when he broke. much like i did today. as i wrote my “where are You?” speech, my “don’t You see me?” lament, i realized that God would probably give me a tongue lashing much like my friend job from way back when. (JOB 10) that was ok. i needed to hear anything passionate from Him. i think somewhere along the way i was taught that if i read my Bible and talk to God everyday, things will stay on track and You’ll always feel His presence. this idea worried me, since i haven’t been feeling much but bad things lately. 

i was writing, “God, do You like me? i hear so many stories of miracles and the ways You’ve provided for people… crazy stories. where’s mine? do i get one? why not me? have You forgotten me or are You done with me? have You given up on me? if You have, i don’t see much left for me…” and so it went about 1/2 way down the page of my moleskine, “something beautiful” came walking up. a dark, wrinkled, leathered, bearded, lack toothed man named david. i asked God to show me something beautiful and He offered me this homeless man… who was by no human standard “beautiful”. and i wiped my tears and we talked about the heat, and where he was coming from and going to. how he got to be where he was in life. how old i am, how old he is. and he told me about God and that His destiny is heaven. he asked if there was a train or bus that would take him downtown. duh, my good friend marta. he asked how much it would cost. $2 one way. i told him i could get that, no problem. he started to protest saying “i wouldn’t ask, ma’am” to which i said “you didn’t ask, i offered. you never asked at all.” 

so we walked together to marta. just so happened that i was on my way there already. and we talked some more. and he started to say this… “sometimes i wonder if God still likes me or loves me. but i realized once that my feeling that way isn’t that God doesn’t like or love me, it’s that i’m not liking and loving myself.”   W-O-A-H. i got teary eyed, but i didn’t let it show. i just laughed. he then started to talk about how He knows that God is taking care of Him. what an encourager! what an angel sent from GOD HIMSELF! 

so we talked a little more about our “destinies.” it was like a scene out of evangelism 101. he asked all the questions and said all the same lines from the “savin people” skit from church in middle school. he told me his destiny was heaven and, when i asked how so, told me because of being a good person. so we talked about Jesus. a lot. about who He was and is, and who we are in relation to that Truth.

i told him how to get to where he was going on the south bound train and that i would be praying for him, and i headed north on my own train. and as i walked home, my head a little higher, i noticed flowers along the sidewalk that i was taking. and i remembered that God takes care of them and clothes them beautifully… He would much more take care of me. really? those flowers have never screwed up half the stuff i have. but i trusted it. and i got home.

i was here for 10 minutes when that good friend i had texted to pray for me, called me. i picked up the phone hesitatingly, assuming she was calling to get the scoop on my current state. she asked if i was sitting down. i was. she said she was in the car with someone who wanted to GIVE ME A CAR!!! my first response? “WHY?” i didn’t know what to say. this guy JEFF KELLAR has 3 apparently and doesn’t drive all of them. has been trying to sell this one for a year, and had decided that if he hadn’t sold it by JUNE he would donate it to a CHARITY. those two words describe where and when i am right now!!! i thanked him over and over and told him he had answered a few big prayers today.

and so… of course… i cried AGAIN! and i thanked God over and over. and promised to treat the car well, and to take care of it, and to make wise decisions whenever using it. because it’s not mine AT ALL to begin with! God answered my prayer for a car. and that is HUGE. BUT! moreover. He answered my prayer for something beautiful. He gave me my tongue lashing, just like job. READ IT! (JOB 38). but more than anything, He answered my question “have You forgotten me?” immediately, He told me to be quiet and introduced me to a homeless man named david who told me God likes and loves me… i just don’t always like and love myself. and then He gave me what i was more specifically praying for. a car. what a great God i get to serve! oh no… He never ever ever lets go. not even when we think He has. right when we look at the waves and panic He reaches His hand down to rescue us, though we were already walking on water. 

AMAZING RIGHT?????

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11 comments

  1. what a cool story! LOVED it! thanks for sharing.


  2. thanks for the honesty…beautiful story.


  3. oh man! God is RIDICULOUS! i love how He answers our prayers and reminds us..especially when we ask…of how much He loves us.

    Girl, thank you for your honesty..my prayer is that more of us can be as honest as you have been tonight.

    you know…a few days ago, i was reading Job and i came across this in chapter 2:

    11 When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

    i know this isn’t completely related to this…but when you mentioned Job, i thought of how i had just been reading this on Monday…

    anway…thanks for letting me ramble. 🙂

    your heart is so beautiful!


  4. it’s a really good thing I don’t wear make-up because it might be running down my face right now… my sweet friend… this is so incredible! I am so blessed and honored to call you my friend! Thanks for being authentic and transparent in sharing your story from yesterday! Love you!


  5. this post answered the question i came to this blog wondering. now i know how you’re doing! what a great tangible experience of God’s love and faithfulness. reminds me of ii tim 2:13: if we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself. i take this to mean that He cannot disown us because He considers us part of Himself. Oh Abba, how we need to learn to know You more!

    thanks for sharing this…will be praying for all those leading worship this weekend…are you one of them?


  6. ahh i love your heart dee dee!! i had a few weeping moments with God myself yesterday … then went on to have dinner with 3 precious kenyan teens who are here for a summer with bigstuf. that was MY “something beautiful” reminder from God and i wont soon forget it.

    ps: say HI to jeff kellar for me & ENJOY God’s gift of the car!!!


  7. what a great testimony, it encouraged my heart….what are you gonna do now? GO TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!! 🙂 hahaha I love you SD:)


  8. That’s awesome! I was actually thinking about your car situation on my way in to work today. It’s great to see God answer your prayers. Jeff is a man that always leaves himself completely open for God to use and it works. I feel like you did the same with the man on the way to Marta. I really do love how it all comes together.

    So did you get the Jeep or the Mazda? I think those were the two he had the last time I saw him.


  9. thank you for sharing this… i have goosebumps all over… i am so happy that God met you where you were and showed you how much he loves you and how he has not forgotten about you../.


  10. that story was amazing let us keep holding on


  11. I just have to say WOW! That really touched my heart in MANY ways! I seriously have goose bumps all over! Thank you so very much for sharing this so openly and honestly. I really needed this today! It is truly amazing how there are SO MANY different ways in which God uses things and situations in our lives not only for us but for the benefit of others as well. We go through craziness and come out on the other side helping others with things we NEVER even knew they needed helping with. This enlightened my spirit and gave me a breath of fresh air which was SOOO needed. I have felt stagnet lately and just reading your entry made my day. I loved it! Thanks!



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