“saturday night’s alright for fighting…” -elton john

June 1, 2008

fighting the sandman that is. here i am again. it’s 4:22 am. i’ve slept a little bit, but not much… and i find myself in insomnia land again. one sunday a few months ago, i ran into the ever talented, much respected chrystina fincher at buckhead church. she was in between services, i was there for inside out. both having a long but great day. and it was at that infamous lull in the day. where your body is beginning to go “hey wait a minute! i’m supposed to have had a nap by now!” and then it gets really mad at you and kicks and screams just under the skin. so we were both looking at each other with sleepy eyes trying to revamp for the upcoming services. i looked at her and said “i just have such a hard time sleeping on saturday nights.” she knew exactly what i meant. apparently i’m not the only one with sleeping issues the night before a long day of singing and leading worship. 

in my life, i have personally watched the attack that worship leaders, in particular, face in their lives. it’s scares the (you know what) out of me. makes me fight that much harder in prayer for the worship leaders i know and respect. even the most incredible ones are susceptible to the most incredulous blows. it’s broken my heart and taught me so much over the years. taught me about humility and pride and clinging and letting go. who am i to even overlook that lack of rest would be part of the attack? 

and i went blog surfing. whatever that means, i did it. and i happened upon carlos’s blog of his letter to himself. i cried a little for the honesty there. i’m broken hearted over the church these days and i can’t help but lose sleep praying and aching for it. and then i came across elliott’s blog. and the last one he posted said “sometimes God can do what ambien can’t” and then he quoted phil 4:6-7 (do not be anxious about anything. but in everything by prayer and supplication make your requests known to God. and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.)  HUGE.

there’s a lot of heaviness these days. my good friend leigh asked me today “what are you learning?” and i began to tell her that i’m learning hard lessons. unfair lessons. and i’m learning about myself and how i respond to those lessons. and i expressed what i’m learning about the church. and how it’s hurting my heart. so tonight i talked to the Holy Spirit. i asked Him, through a couple of tears, to groan for me. and i’m letting them go. and i pray that the peace that truly does surpass my feeble understanding will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus. THAT IS HUGE! our hearts and minds are HIDING in Christ Jesus. 

2 more hours until i’ll be pulling up at north point community church. creation outside my window right now looks quiet and dark and sleeping… but it’s worshipping loudly already. there are worship services and songs that are going on somewhere in the world RIGHT NOW. and in a few hours we get to join that song! who are we that God would consider us?? all praise and love to Him!!


One comment

  1. dee dee–i attend bbcc and have entered into worship through your modeling of it as a lead worshipper onstage. i’m also a worship leader for kids in upstreet and have led adults in years past. all this to say, although i have had that personal struggle you’re talking about, i had no idea that ANYONE else had.

    thanks for opening up and letting it out of the bag. what it out in the light the enemy cannot use for his dark purposes…i will pray for you and all who lead us. it is a heavy responsiblity and awesome privilege at the same time.

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