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“been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time…” led zeppelin

May 28, 2009

it’s been a long long time since my last post. i know. i’d be surprised if anyone reads this one. if anyone hasn’t completely given up on me. love you guys if you haven’t, understand if you did. that being said, i have something to say…

hillsong united is in town and had a concert in alpharetta this evening. i hadn’t been planning to go, but got a great text from a great friend asking if i wanted tickets for tonight. since i rarely get to sit in a congregation and hide out to personally and privately worship, i revel in these opportunities. so i accepted them, called a friend to come with, and ended up with maybe the best seats in the house. i saw a lot of my friends. a lot. people i hadn’t seen in a long time. and i was happy to see them. but i wasn’t there for them. 

there’s something slightly awkward about being in the front during worship. i love it and i hate it. it sounds completely ridiculous, i know. i can be on stage just fine, but there are moments when i want to truly hide out in worship and in those moments i don’t want to think about anyone around me at all. i always feel a bit exposed in the front. once i got myself past that, i stood and sang and danced and worshipped and engaged my heart with God’s, and felt the freedom and release that comes with giving in to what i was created to do. 

there’s something about singing truth. i’ve said that before and i’ll say it again… when you sing or speak truth out loud, something happens to your spirit. no matter what you intended to do with those words, they move your heart. i hold firmly to that. the more i sang truth, tonight about who God is and what He has done and what He has called us for and promised to us… the more truth about myself kept coming to light. the revelations that i’m so often scared to have. i’ve caught myself not engaging lately. with the people around me, with myself, with God even. keeping things under control because i don’t have the time for life changing revelations right now. how sad is that? 

so sad. so sad that, when i allow those revelations to come in, it’s like a flood washing over me. tonight i had a huge one. we talked about God love for us tonight. i’ve found myself not accepting or believing God’s love for me lately. (go ahead, gasp. worship leader chick missing key points, i know) my life is riddled with storms. i can’t explain why there are so many, but there are. i’ve accepted that mine is just “one of those stories”. rescue seems to be the theme. and for rescue to be a theme in a story, there must be peril. and there typically is. peril. in some form or another. but i decided a long time ago, that no matter what, i would love and worship and serve the Lord. and that is precisely what i am doing and will continue to do. and even if He decided not to love me for whatever reason, i would worship just as strongly as ever. and somewhere along the way, sadly, i started to believe that’s possible. that it’s even probably the case. that i’m in yet another one sided relationship, but i would choose to love anyway. 

it’s just not true. i’m a hypocrite. i proclaim the love of Christ to anyone who will listen to me. i want to shower dejected people with the knowledge that they are loved by the greatest love there ever could be. but i don’t claim it for myself. and what’s worse is i’m starting to believe that’s ok. 

and i think that’s why i break down almost completely when i sing about His love for me. because i long for it. i look for it. and it’s always there, but i don’t receive it often enough. i don’t sit in it’s lap when i’m invited. i try not to ask it too many questions or repeat myself too many times, so as not to annoy it. i need to spend a lot of time curled up in it over this next course of time. i cleared my day tomorrow to help out with something that turns out i’m not needed for. but i initially got these tickets for doing this thing tomorrow. i think there’s something to that. i think i needed to revel in worship that much tonight. and i think i needed to have tomorrow completely free to revel in His love all the more. 

sorry this is so long… though i’m sure i don’t have any readers left anyway! especially since i seem to take over a month to post anymore. it’s high time i let God do some work in my life. and i know that to do that, there will be many many tears as He heals a lot of broken heartedness within me. but i also trust that joy comes with that too. that a new confidence will rise within me. one i haven’t seen in a very long time. and that truth will actually set me free. 

oh… why do we keep learning the same lessons in life over and over again? i’m glad He doesn’t tire of teaching them to us.

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“you gotta rub me the right way…” -christina aguilera

April 17, 2009

ok… so i had a deep tissue massage this morning. i’ve only ever had one other massage in my life and it was a pretty pansy one paid for with a gift certificate. but my neck and back have been in a complete and utter mess for a while now. this week, when i felt a knot in my right shoulder blade that kept exploding out the front of me, i booked a massage. out of desperation. i mean, it hurt so badly when i laughed. and i like to laugh. when you toy with my ability to laugh, i get down to business. here is my experience in bullet form. take note, if you’re not a massage-goer and are thinking of getting one…

- there are obvious things i won’t discuss here due to what i like to refer to as “mixed company”. suffice it to say, it was intimate. but not invasive. yeah. intimate but not invasive. 

- there’s a lot of oil involved. do not wash and fix your hair before you go. you will spend the entire 50 minutes screaming in your head “don’t get my hair all oily!!!” and not being able to do a darn thing about it. you will feel gross at the end. a shower is highly recommended before meeting anyone for the day.

- she started out by informing me that the muscles on the right side of my back are significantly larger and more used than the left. awesome. now i feel like a freak. 

- it hurts so good. sometimes love don’t feel like it should.

- apparently i have LOTS of scar tissue in my right shoulder. what from? who knows. maybe i joust in my sleep. 

- one of my favorite moments was when she broke the silence with “you have the hamstrings of a soccer player.” hmm. cheerleading? “oh yeah, that’s gotta be it. you guys worked hard.” it’s true, we did. it’s just good to know i can officially say i have the hamstrings of a soccer player. 

- i have a typical athletic build. nice. i call it fat. good to know something good is under there somewhere. 

- she told me i can make myself taller. this is great news! 

- i am sore. ouch.

- so the right side of my back is stronger and bigger? well, the left side of my abs are larger and stronger. i have no idea what i’ve been doing. 

bottom line. it was a good thing. and something i think i’m going to do once a month to fix some of these issues. she made a lot of funny sounds. i felt a little guilty at times for letting things get so bad. but overall a great experience. she kept asking if i had had different serious injuries. i kinda wished i could think of one to tell her. i mean, i told her about the only one i remembered. but no shoulder out of socket, and no massive leg injuries. that i know of. again, the jousting thing might be true.

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“i love to laugh, loud and long and clear…” -dude from mary poppins

April 6, 2009

there’s not much i love more, in life, than funny things. you too? i mean, i’m committed to not missing funny things. i always have my ear open, during conversations, to whatever else funny could be said in the room at any moment. (i apologize if i’m ever in a conversation with you and start laughing at something someone else said across the room) i HATE, ABHOR, DESPISE missing funny things. there are a few people that i listen out for specifically. here are 2 of them, quickly…

tripp crosby and david robertson

both comedic genius, if you ask me. david has a dry humor that is so simple it’s complex. which i live for. tripp knows exactly what’s is and is not truly funny, and somehow recycles it into something that can make me laugh for hours. 

i cherish each of these dudes for other reasons, too; but today, it’s because they are funny. read their blogs, laugh, bookmark them, laugh again tomorrow. thank me later…

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“say what you need to say…” -john mayer

March 31, 2009

sometimes, i find, that the more words we use, the less we actually say, and the more is lost in translation. the more we explain. the more we defend. the less we listen… the less we actually communicate. we use too many words.

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“i see pictures of people, rising up…” -peter gabriel

March 26, 2009

last month, i had the distinct privilege of working with an amazing local photographer, cat norman. did i mention she’s amazing? these are shots to be used in the near future for various projects. i’ll let her work speak for herself here.

cat’s incredible to work with. and, besides being insanely talented, i think that’s a high requisite for a photographer. if you need anything done at all, i would highly recommend cat. she’s a professional in every sense of the word and such an incredible woman! 

in case you missed it the first time, here’s her website.

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“strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow…” -thomas chisholm

March 25, 2009

we all have stories. i have to remind myself of that so often. i find that when i’m drawn to dislike a person, if i will sit through their story, they become a real person to me. and i’m just not sure how to dislike a real person. it’s the stories i don’t yet know that are so easy to shrug off. this is probably exactly why i have no sympathy for drivers around me. surely they are just cars on the road, not real people with real celebrations, real questions, real complications, real hurt, real distractions. real stories. 

i have a story. it’s a wild one. one that some of you know, one that some of you don’t know. one that i’m not going to share here in this post. it’s a story filled with hurt and pain and loss, but because of those things it’s also filled with grace and rescue and faithfulness and freedom. 

on sunday morning, i was standing onstage doing a rehearsal before the services that day, and was suddenly struck by the words, “it’s time to write your story.” i’ve hesitated to do so for a long time now. that sentence has repeated itself in my heart since that morning. it’s time to write my story. that’s the first step to a project i’ve been calling “bright hope”. i can’t wait to let you in on more of it. 

stories. one thing about stories that i learned a long time ago is this: the worst part of your story is just as bad as the worse part of mine, because it’s the worst we’ve ever known. i need to be better about listening to and empathizing with the stories of the people around me. and to be careful not to compare them with my own. we are all blessed with stories that are filled with the faithfulness of God. i’m excited about sharing some of those with each other as this project gets underway in the days to come…

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“it’s oh so quiet, shh, shh, shh…” -bjork

March 5, 2009

no talking until i wake up tomorrow morning. i’ve already typed my side of a conversation with my roommate. it’s been fairly easy so far, due to needing to read and study and stay home this morning AND due to the technology of texting, ichat, and email. BUT i ran around a couple of places today and it felt like i was in observation mode. and i paid a lot more attention to the sounds everyone and everything else around me made. it’s fascinating. i’m trying to regain my voice, but i’m finding my ability to listen and my desire to pay better attention. try it. i think i may do this more often.

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